I Have Grounds for Divorce!!!

Next May marks 20 years of marriage for me...and for my husband, too, because this was the first marriage for both of us. We went about it in a strange way. Neither of us had been married before, neither of us had any children, and we decided that May 5, 1989 would be the first time we would "sleep together." We didn't have any testing for disease and we were not smart enough to do background checks on each other. We also didn't draft a pre-nuptial agreement. Certainly, by society's standards, we were not very smart. There were so many ways that we didn't "check each other out" before walking down the aisle at Oak Grove Assembly of God in Springfield, MO. It could have been a disaster.

Now after 20 years of marriage and three children together, I realize that I have legal grounds for divorce. Would you believe that after all this time and experience I have discovered that my marriage has a terminal disease: irreconcilable differences! If only I had known 20 years ago that there would be differences between Shawn and I that we would not be able to be overcome! I could have looked a little longer and harder and found someone...well... just like me!

This was, after all, a mixed marriage. He is a Yankee and I am a Southerner. This alone should have given me pause. He wants to eat bratwurst rather than brisket and he grew up listening to The Beatles rather than Johnny Cash. I can't stand to be late and he thinks the clock on the wall is for "decorative purposes only." He is a very disciplined morning riser and I hide under the covers and press "snooze" far more than any reasonable person should.

He would rather watch a football game than read a good novel and prefers the temperature of the house and car to be somewhat comparable to the polar bear exhibit at the zoo. The differences in our personalities have caused more than one person to ask, "How in the world did the two of you ever get together?"

More important is the question, "How have we STAYED together?" At least four major things have kept us together, regardless of our different likes, dislikes, and personalities:
1. Core values have been developed together: parenting, money management, spiritual values, etc
2. Compromise on the inconsequential things and working slowly through those things that carry bigger consequences...and willingness to ask for help
3. Learning to enjoy new things...and even tolerate (without complaining) a few things that we just can't learn to like
4. Understand that variety is the spice of life and allow each other freedom to enjoy things that the other may not care for...but keeping most of the enjoyment in life focused on the things we can do together

We're making enough progress that we won't be using those legal grounds for divorce any time soon...he's learned to love PBS and, just the other day, I ate a bratwurst without complaint. Have there been times when the only thing that kept us together was sheer commitment to vows? Sure! But those times come and go...the core values that have kept us together - faithfulness, honesty, and forgiveness - have stayed steady.

If you're in a marriage and feeling "incompatible," take a deep breath and begin to look for the blessings in your incompatibility. They are there - just sometimes hidden under all the junk life throws on us. Build on your strengths together, acknowledge and work through your needs, and realize that while society says that incompatibility is grounds for divorce God can make it grounds for a great marriage!

I love you, Frog!!!