A Recent Entry from My Journal: Struggling with Sin

In the words of a Gaither song, "God has blessed me...and the doubts have been few."

There has always been a reason to believe...and to obey.

But, over the past year, I have found myself tempted to flagrantly run away from His will. I have deeply desired a short reprieve from walking on a hard path that He has chosen for me. I have struggled with a battle to give in to temptation to meet my needs in ways outside of what He has clearly revealed to be His will for my life. I have asked Him "Why?" "Why am I struggling with this issue so intently? Why am I so discontent with Your provision?"

God's commands are spiritual - but I'm sure not. I am so often very carnal. I've lived so long in a sinful world that it has become a part of who I am. I was born to it.

I want to follow God and yet I find myself desiring and doing things that I despise. The problem is not that I do not know God's will for this situation. The problem is that I do not really want to do it. I desire God's will but not all the time. When I decide to do good...I don't always follow through on it. When I decide not to do bad...I often find myself doing it anyway. The power of sin within me continues to sabotage my best intentions and I find, once again, that I obviously need help. I don't have what it takes.

I truly delight in God's commands but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. There is a part of me that covertly rebels - and then, when I let my guard down, those desires take charge. In the words of that great country philosopher, Charlie Daniels, "When I have a choice between good and bad I pick bad two out of three."

"I know it's wrong...but I want it." Sigh...what to do?

The reality is that I cannot save myself from this. I cannot sanctify myself any more than I could justify myself. Just as I could not redeem myself from sin I find that I cannot keep myself from sin. I thank God that it is Jesus Christ who can and does save me. It is His righteousness and not my filthy rags of works that I depend on....and His incredible mercy and grace that remembers that I am just dust.

And, if I may be so bold, I think that my Father is pleased that even when I am so pulled by the influence of sin I still crawl back to Him and ask for His help even though He knows that I really DON'T WANT to do things His way. He is still pleased that I have crawled to Him even if it is just to beg for help to be willing to be made willing to obey.

He loves me and I can come to Him. He knows that even though I no longer desire His will in this I still intend to do it. He wants me to learn to walk with Him; and if only the will to walk is there then, perhaps, He is pleased with me even when I stumble.

The key is not in my abundance of desire for God's will but in my steadfast decision to do it anyway.

There is something in me that continues to hold on to Him even when it seems that all I am holding onto is the sheer will to continue....when the desire is gone and nothing holds me here except commitment to follow His path. He still finds pleasure in me even when I find myself functioning, not on desire, but on discipline.

You can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
- Kipling

But, I also believe that God is a Rewarder of those who seek Him...and I continue to wait patiently to see that full revelation of His reward...whether it is here on earth or at the moment when I hope to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant."

From My Morning Devotions...

Lord, my love is frost and cold, ice and snow;
Let Your love warm me,
lighten my burden,
be my haven of rest;

May that Love be more revealed to me in all its influences
that my love for You may be more fervent and glowing;
Let the crashing tide of Your everlasting love
cover the rocks of my sin and care;

Then let my spirit soar above those things
which else had wrecked my life.

Make me fruitful by living to that love,
my character becoming more beautiful every day.
If traces of Christ's love-artistry be upon me,
may He work on with His divine brush
until the complete image be obtained
and I be made a perfect copy of Him, my Teacher and Guide.

Lord Jesus, come to me
Divine Spirit, rest on me
Holy Father, look on me in mercy and make me like Your Son.