Letter to My Son on His 20th Birthday

Dear Son,

Today is your 20th birthday. Never would I have imagined, when you were a toddler, that for your 20th birthday you would request baby wipes, socks, and beef jerky for your gift. Birthdays on the battlefield must be different than we knew them here at home. I don't know if there is a cake in your MRE or if anyone will sing in your honor but know that we are thinking of you at home and will be celebrating you...even if you are not here.

Over the past several years you and I have often communicated through shared literature. For your birthday this year, I wanted to pass on some thoughts from the pen of the Bard of Avon (Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 3) with some of my own thoughts grafted in with his. There is nothing new here...nothing you have not heard from me for many years...but, on your birthday, I wanted to share with you once again some life lessons from literature.

The setting, as you know, is the departure of Laertes for education in Paris. His father, Polonius, gives him advice on living and learning in this collection of proverbs.

Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for. There, my blessing with thee.
And these few precepts in thy memory

(This is one of the hard parts of parenting, son...encouraging our children to leave us and seek their own fortune. Polonius looks at his son and says "Are you still here? For shame!" When the wind is in your sail you must learn this: The opportunity of a lifetime must be taken during the lifetime of that opportunity. It is to our shame if our ship is ready to sail and we are not ready to sail with it. The wise parent recognizes this and gives their blessings...and a few precepts to remember along the way. )

See thou character.

(It is among your main responsibilities, son, to see to your own character. This is not the job of others. This discipline belongs to you alone. In all of your learning and growing and gaining and seeking do not neglect the wisdom of self-discipline in building your character. Reputation is what others think of you; character shows what you think of yourself. Remember that the choices you make today you will have to sleep with tonight...and must accept the positive or negative consequences of tomorrow.

Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.

(Not every thought we think needs to be spoken and not every thought needs to be acted upon. When the mind is thinking it is talking to itself. Others do not always need to join the conversation. Let your words be few and your actions be well thought out.)

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade.

(Make it a habit to be friendly to all, son, but never let your desire for friendship bring down your character. Do not spend a lot of money trying to impress each new person to come along. Know the difference between friends and acquaintances. Lasting friendships in life are few and because of their rarity are all the more valuable. Those friendships that have been tested and found true will be an anchor for you when you feel adrift...do all you can to nurture those friendships with bonds of steel.)

Beware of entrance to a quarrel; but being in,
bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.

(Be slow to get into a quarrel but once you are in it see it through to the end and fight like a man in such a way that others will know that you are a man to be contended with.)

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.

(Do more listening than talking...and when others come to you with criticism, take it with grace, evaluate it, learn from it and make course corrections when needed. But, as for you, do not be one that is quick to criticize others. Let your judgment be reserved for the important things in life and don't be one of those who goes about annoying everyone by trying to correct them.

Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous, chief in that.

(Your choice of attire says much about you. Dress well but don't be ostentatious. Learn to be moderate and to dress for the occasion. It is true that God looks on the heart of a man but others around him will base much of their evaluation on his outward presentation. Dress in a manner commensurate with the man you seek to be. )

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

(Learn to manage your money well, son. Debt is the bane of existence for so many young men and women at your stage in life...and even later. Do not spend more than you earn. Keep this in mind should you ever want to make a loan to a friend: Oftentimes, the money cannot be repaid and then you lose both the money, and likely, the friend. This is true for your own borrowing, as well. Better yet, learn to be a saver and a planner. Anticipate your needs and save accordingly. Learn to anticipate the 'surprises' in life. Keep enough in reserve so that life's suprises do not lead you into debt. Ignoring this common sense advice is the reason our country is in so much economic danger today.)

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

(Son, for twenty years you have listened to your father and to your mother and to the other authorities in your life but, remember this, YOU must choose the direction of your life, your calling, your mission. God has designed you for a purpose. When you are true to that purpose you will find and fulfill your greatest destiny and will be truly the man that God intended you to be. When you are aware of your own value, knowing that you bear the stamp of originality from the Master Craftsman, there will be no fear that your character and integrity would view any of His creations as less than that same ideal.)

Farewell. My blessing season this in thee!

(Vale, fili mi. Benedictio patris et matris tuae et docebit vos facere per annos. Amo te.)

Is Alzheimers Really a Valid Excuse for Divorce?

I was floored this morning to read this article on the editorial page of Christianity Today: "Pat Robertson Says Divorce Okay if Spouse Has Alzheimers."

I agree that Alzheimers is one of the most difficult of diseases. It is a diagnosis that is, perhaps, even harder on the family than it is on the patient. One friend recently shared with me, "We've always dreamed of these years in our lives when we would just sit on the porch together and talk about the memories of the kids and our lives together. Now we do sit on the porch together...but only one of us has the memories. It's a lonely feeling. There is no one to share the memories with."

Heartbreaking? Absolutely! I have often wondered how I would respond if something happened to my husband, Shawn, and he was no longer able to be the man I married. A car accident could leave him a paraplegic in a moment. A disease could ravage his body. Not only would I be without the "man I married" but I would have the added responsibilities of taking care of him day in and day out with very little promise, if any, of him being able to meet my needs in return. How would I react? Could I do it? How would I handle the loneliness? Would I resent the time, energy, and effort to care for him? Would I become bitter because I was "missing out on life" by taking care of someone who would never be able to do one thing for me? Tough questions about my commitment and my very character.

This gets me thinking...as a Christian (someone who lives under the Lordship of Christ) when I came to Jesus he looked directly at me through his Word and said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." What does it look like to live that out in relation to these questions above?

We tend to think about "taking up our cross" and "denying ourselves" as one big spiritual sacrifice that we make, then we're done with...like giving our car to a needy family or running into a burning building to rescue a child.

But, in reality, denying ourselves and taking up our cross is something that we do every day. It is a thousand little sacrifices, a lifetime of unnoticed acts, which cumulatively become huge. It's a man who loves his paralyzed wife for forty years by saying no to his sexual desires daily and dumping her bag of urine three times a day because he loves her as Christ loves the Church. It is a woman who never gets a full nights sleep because she gets up six times a night to reassure a frightened husband that he is alright - a husband who hasn't recognized her for years and hasn't spoken a kind word to her in months due to the loss of his mental faculties.

We have somewhere gotten the idea that the goal of marriage is our own personal fulfillment and when marriage no longer gives us personal satisfaction it is okay to abandon our vows of "better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health."

Think with me for just a minute....what if God's design for marriage was less about meeting my needs and more about being a reflection of His relationship with humankind? What if, as Paul said, the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the Church? What if Jesus loved the Church in the way that Mr. Robertson espouses in this article...abandoning us when we no longer fulfill His needs? That sounds unthinkable....and yet this is played out in our Christian homes far too often.

Taking up our cross daily and denying ourselves is not just about the person who dies in the coliseum in one triumphant hour torn apart by lions because he refused to deny Christ. It is about the daily choices I make in each part of my life...including my marriage. "Lord, please strengthen and empower me to be just that kind of person. I can't do it on my own."

On a side note - The Bible also talks to us about "bearing one anothers burdens." Mr. Robertson does make a very important point about the need for companionship. The frustration that I feel at his statement should also prompt me to offer true friendship and regular fellowship to those spouses who have, for all intents and purposes, 'lost' their spouse in this way. Their road is a lonely and often a long one - let's make sure that they have companionship of another kind so their burden is not too much to bear by themselves.