Is Alzheimers Really a Valid Excuse for Divorce?

I was floored this morning to read this article on the editorial page of Christianity Today: "Pat Robertson Says Divorce Okay if Spouse Has Alzheimers."

I agree that Alzheimers is one of the most difficult of diseases. It is a diagnosis that is, perhaps, even harder on the family than it is on the patient. One friend recently shared with me, "We've always dreamed of these years in our lives when we would just sit on the porch together and talk about the memories of the kids and our lives together. Now we do sit on the porch together...but only one of us has the memories. It's a lonely feeling. There is no one to share the memories with."

Heartbreaking? Absolutely! I have often wondered how I would respond if something happened to my husband, Shawn, and he was no longer able to be the man I married. A car accident could leave him a paraplegic in a moment. A disease could ravage his body. Not only would I be without the "man I married" but I would have the added responsibilities of taking care of him day in and day out with very little promise, if any, of him being able to meet my needs in return. How would I react? Could I do it? How would I handle the loneliness? Would I resent the time, energy, and effort to care for him? Would I become bitter because I was "missing out on life" by taking care of someone who would never be able to do one thing for me? Tough questions about my commitment and my very character.

This gets me thinking...as a Christian (someone who lives under the Lordship of Christ) when I came to Jesus he looked directly at me through his Word and said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." What does it look like to live that out in relation to these questions above?

We tend to think about "taking up our cross" and "denying ourselves" as one big spiritual sacrifice that we make, then we're done with...like giving our car to a needy family or running into a burning building to rescue a child.

But, in reality, denying ourselves and taking up our cross is something that we do every day. It is a thousand little sacrifices, a lifetime of unnoticed acts, which cumulatively become huge. It's a man who loves his paralyzed wife for forty years by saying no to his sexual desires daily and dumping her bag of urine three times a day because he loves her as Christ loves the Church. It is a woman who never gets a full nights sleep because she gets up six times a night to reassure a frightened husband that he is alright - a husband who hasn't recognized her for years and hasn't spoken a kind word to her in months due to the loss of his mental faculties.

We have somewhere gotten the idea that the goal of marriage is our own personal fulfillment and when marriage no longer gives us personal satisfaction it is okay to abandon our vows of "better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health."

Think with me for just a minute....what if God's design for marriage was less about meeting my needs and more about being a reflection of His relationship with humankind? What if, as Paul said, the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the Church? What if Jesus loved the Church in the way that Mr. Robertson espouses in this article...abandoning us when we no longer fulfill His needs? That sounds unthinkable....and yet this is played out in our Christian homes far too often.

Taking up our cross daily and denying ourselves is not just about the person who dies in the coliseum in one triumphant hour torn apart by lions because he refused to deny Christ. It is about the daily choices I make in each part of my life...including my marriage. "Lord, please strengthen and empower me to be just that kind of person. I can't do it on my own."

On a side note - The Bible also talks to us about "bearing one anothers burdens." Mr. Robertson does make a very important point about the need for companionship. The frustration that I feel at his statement should also prompt me to offer true friendship and regular fellowship to those spouses who have, for all intents and purposes, 'lost' their spouse in this way. Their road is a lonely and often a long one - let's make sure that they have companionship of another kind so their burden is not too much to bear by themselves.