Next May marks 20 years of marriage for me...and for my husband, too, because this was the first marriage for both of us. We went about it in a strange way. Neither of us had been married before, neither of us had any children, and we decided that May 5, 1989 would be the first time we would "sleep together." We didn't have any testing for disease and we were not smart enough to do background checks on each other. We also didn't draft a pre-nuptial agreement. Certainly, by society's standards, we were not very smart. There were so many ways that we didn't "check each other out" before walking down the aisle at Oak Grove Assembly of God in Springfield, MO. It could have been a disaster.
Now after 20 years of marriage and three children together, I realize that I have legal grounds for divorce. Would you believe that after all this time and experience I have discovered that my marriage has a terminal disease: irreconcilable differences! If only I had known 20 years ago that there would be differences between Shawn and I that we would not be able to be overcome! I could have looked a little longer and harder and found someone...well... just like me!
This was, after all, a mixed marriage. He is a Yankee and I am a Southerner. This alone should have given me pause. He wants to eat bratwurst rather than brisket and he grew up listening to The Beatles rather than Johnny Cash. I can't stand to be late and he thinks the clock on the wall is for "decorative purposes only." He is a very disciplined morning riser and I hide under the covers and press "snooze" far more than any reasonable person should.
He would rather watch a football game than read a good novel and prefers the temperature of the house and car to be somewhat comparable to the polar bear exhibit at the zoo. The differences in our personalities have caused more than one person to ask, "How in the world did the two of you ever get together?"
More important is the question, "How have we STAYED together?" At least four major things have kept us together, regardless of our different likes, dislikes, and personalities:
1. Core values have been developed together: parenting, money management, spiritual values, etc
2. Compromise on the inconsequential things and working slowly through those things that carry bigger consequences...and willingness to ask for help
3. Learning to enjoy new things...and even tolerate (without complaining) a few things that we just can't learn to like
4. Understand that variety is the spice of life and allow each other freedom to enjoy things that the other may not care for...but keeping most of the enjoyment in life focused on the things we can do together
We're making enough progress that we won't be using those legal grounds for divorce any time soon...he's learned to love PBS and, just the other day, I ate a bratwurst without complaint. Have there been times when the only thing that kept us together was sheer commitment to vows? Sure! But those times come and go...the core values that have kept us together - faithfulness, honesty, and forgiveness - have stayed steady.
If you're in a marriage and feeling "incompatible," take a deep breath and begin to look for the blessings in your incompatibility. They are there - just sometimes hidden under all the junk life throws on us. Build on your strengths together, acknowledge and work through your needs, and realize that while society says that incompatibility is grounds for divorce God can make it grounds for a great marriage!
I love you, Frog!!!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Thoughts on Erik's Birthday - He's 17!
He's upstairs conjugating Latin verbs...and I am thinking about how my life has changed over 17 years of parenting this gift of God that is my son, and how life will be changing again now that he is beginning to move into adulthood.
We gave him his dad's '99 Oldsmobile for his birthday - along with a gift certificate for "mechanic lessons" from Brent Stokes...and Folio Society's Tolkien collection. All in all, not a bad haul for a 17 year old.
One more year and society will dub him "adult." Am I ready for that? More importantly, is HE ready for that? There are so many things I want to "cram" in to the next few months...and yet, he is at that place in life where most of the valuable lessons have already been taught, he must now learn to apply them. I've tried to teach him the important things, such as "money is closely connected with sweat," "God may look on the heart, but man looks on the outward appearance so GET A HAIRCUT," "inner discipline will take you farther than natural talent," and "choose a woman that you would want your daughter to emulate...because she will," and so many other little life lessons.
Yet as important as knowledge is it will not serve him well if it doesn't translate into wisdom. That is what I have prayed for 17 years: "God, give this young man wisdom and discernment." Knowledge is useless if he doesn't know how to apply it to life...that is where wisdom comes in.
There's a passage in the Bible that I have come back to many times as a mom. Exodus 2:2-4 talks about Moses' mother who "...gave birth to a son and when she saw that he was a fine child, she hid him...but when she saw that she could hide him no longer, she got a papyrus basket for him and coated it with protection and placed the child in it and put it among the reeds along the Nile, then...stood at a distance to see what would happen to him."
This has been what I have tried to do as a mom. Through these early years I have tried to protect him from the things that would seek to destroy him. But there comes a time when we can "hide" them from those things no longer. So we make preparation for their success outside of our care...we build a basket of the things that God has provided for us - love, education, discipline, prayer, training in righteousness - and then at the right time we place them into the river of life and watch from a distance to see how things turn out.
I am sure Moses' mother was much more aware of the dangers in the Nile River than little Moses was. There were scary animals and scary people who would have thought nothing of tearing this little baby to shreds. There was the matter of sustenance and protection from the elements. But she knew that there was God who loved her baby and so she stood back and let God take it from there.
There comes a time in our mothering when we can no longer hide our babies from the scary realities of life so we must place them in the protective coverings we have provided, let them go into the river, and stand back and let their dependence be on God instead of on us.
But I believe that Moses' mama was praying like never before...and so am I.
We gave him his dad's '99 Oldsmobile for his birthday - along with a gift certificate for "mechanic lessons" from Brent Stokes...and Folio Society's Tolkien collection. All in all, not a bad haul for a 17 year old.
One more year and society will dub him "adult." Am I ready for that? More importantly, is HE ready for that? There are so many things I want to "cram" in to the next few months...and yet, he is at that place in life where most of the valuable lessons have already been taught, he must now learn to apply them. I've tried to teach him the important things, such as "money is closely connected with sweat," "God may look on the heart, but man looks on the outward appearance so GET A HAIRCUT," "inner discipline will take you farther than natural talent," and "choose a woman that you would want your daughter to emulate...because she will," and so many other little life lessons.
Yet as important as knowledge is it will not serve him well if it doesn't translate into wisdom. That is what I have prayed for 17 years: "God, give this young man wisdom and discernment." Knowledge is useless if he doesn't know how to apply it to life...that is where wisdom comes in.
There's a passage in the Bible that I have come back to many times as a mom. Exodus 2:2-4 talks about Moses' mother who "...gave birth to a son and when she saw that he was a fine child, she hid him...but when she saw that she could hide him no longer, she got a papyrus basket for him and coated it with protection and placed the child in it and put it among the reeds along the Nile, then...stood at a distance to see what would happen to him."
This has been what I have tried to do as a mom. Through these early years I have tried to protect him from the things that would seek to destroy him. But there comes a time when we can "hide" them from those things no longer. So we make preparation for their success outside of our care...we build a basket of the things that God has provided for us - love, education, discipline, prayer, training in righteousness - and then at the right time we place them into the river of life and watch from a distance to see how things turn out.
I am sure Moses' mother was much more aware of the dangers in the Nile River than little Moses was. There were scary animals and scary people who would have thought nothing of tearing this little baby to shreds. There was the matter of sustenance and protection from the elements. But she knew that there was God who loved her baby and so she stood back and let God take it from there.
There comes a time in our mothering when we can no longer hide our babies from the scary realities of life so we must place them in the protective coverings we have provided, let them go into the river, and stand back and let their dependence be on God instead of on us.
But I believe that Moses' mama was praying like never before...and so am I.
Friday, September 19, 2008
finding wisdom right in my own backyard
This blogging thing has been so enlightening...and I have only been at it for two days!
As other people are finding the blog they have shared links to their own writings. As I have read some of their posts I have been amazed at the wisdom that is resident within my own circle of friends...Al, Gloria, Russ, Jen, etc. You guys have great writing and communication skills...but what has been most exciting is the practical wisdom I am learning from you!
I think that sometimes, as a pastor/pastor's wife, I get so used to people coming to me for "wisdom" that when I am in need I tend to not know where to turn. My tendency is to head to a library and look for a book or do a "google" search and see what some expert has to say.
What a dunderhead I am! God has given me a great circle of friends...and thanks to the wonders of the internet I am able to contact friends from all over the world! "Lord, remind me of this when I just need an ear or some advice...you have given me such good friends. Teach me to stay in better contact and learn from them."
I'm proud of my circle of friends! We're all in this together!
As other people are finding the blog they have shared links to their own writings. As I have read some of their posts I have been amazed at the wisdom that is resident within my own circle of friends...Al, Gloria, Russ, Jen, etc. You guys have great writing and communication skills...but what has been most exciting is the practical wisdom I am learning from you!
I think that sometimes, as a pastor/pastor's wife, I get so used to people coming to me for "wisdom" that when I am in need I tend to not know where to turn. My tendency is to head to a library and look for a book or do a "google" search and see what some expert has to say.
What a dunderhead I am! God has given me a great circle of friends...and thanks to the wonders of the internet I am able to contact friends from all over the world! "Lord, remind me of this when I just need an ear or some advice...you have given me such good friends. Teach me to stay in better contact and learn from them."
I'm proud of my circle of friends! We're all in this together!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Follow-up thoughts on Ray Boltz blog
Here's some follow-up thoughts to the previous blog on Ray Boltz:
Was there no one in Ray's life in his 30 years of Christian marriage and ministry that he felt safe enough to confide in?
The concept of accountability is so important in the Church as is building a SAFE place for that accountability. Why is it in the Christian community that we feel that we cannot share our struggles until AFTER we have "victory" and have it all wrapped up in a nice little "testimony" OR until we have been overcome by our sin and discovered? How many times have I heard someone say "Lately I've been going through this horrible temptation but now I'm doing great" and I have wondered how we can build an environment that we feel free to say "I'm struggling NOW with this temptation and I need help, prayer, and support." Ray's story tells us that there are those all around us who really are hurting and struggling but do not feel safe to share those struggles because of the response that they (often rightly) fear will come. So we hide our struggles and do not bear each other's burdens.
I remember a few years ago at District Council that Dick Hardy stood and talked about the struggle that many pastor's have with internet pornography and he mentioned that if you called and talked to him as the HonorBound director that your credentials would not be automatically in jeopardy because he wanted to see ministers get HELP to overcome rather than waiting until it is too late.
While I am not ready to advocate a return to the RCC concept of the "confessional booth" I think creating an environment where confession is taken seriously and people then receive loving accountability and the healing that the church CAN offer is a worthy goal- when we don't know the struggle it is difficult to help.
Any thoughts?
After all...we're all in this together!
Was there no one in Ray's life in his 30 years of Christian marriage and ministry that he felt safe enough to confide in?
The concept of accountability is so important in the Church as is building a SAFE place for that accountability. Why is it in the Christian community that we feel that we cannot share our struggles until AFTER we have "victory" and have it all wrapped up in a nice little "testimony" OR until we have been overcome by our sin and discovered? How many times have I heard someone say "Lately I've been going through this horrible temptation but now I'm doing great" and I have wondered how we can build an environment that we feel free to say "I'm struggling NOW with this temptation and I need help, prayer, and support." Ray's story tells us that there are those all around us who really are hurting and struggling but do not feel safe to share those struggles because of the response that they (often rightly) fear will come. So we hide our struggles and do not bear each other's burdens.
I remember a few years ago at District Council that Dick Hardy stood and talked about the struggle that many pastor's have with internet pornography and he mentioned that if you called and talked to him as the HonorBound director that your credentials would not be automatically in jeopardy because he wanted to see ministers get HELP to overcome rather than waiting until it is too late.
While I am not ready to advocate a return to the RCC concept of the "confessional booth" I think creating an environment where confession is taken seriously and people then receive loving accountability and the healing that the church CAN offer is a worthy goal- when we don't know the struggle it is difficult to help.
Any thoughts?
After all...we're all in this together!
A "Boltz" of Lightning on the CCM news front
I remember the first time I heard a Ray Boltz song. I was driving down National in Springfield, MO and the song "Watch the Lamb" played on the radio. I literally got so caught up in the story of the song that I pulled over and finished listening so I could focus on the story. I was close to tears at the end when the song made the final correlation of Jesus as THE Lamb. It is beautiful writing and well presented. I have used the song many times as a "human video" around Good Friday. (On a side note - I did this song for a presbyterian church in LeClaire, IA and they reported to the Quad City Times that "Ruthie Oberg, pastor's wife at First Assembly of God will be doing an interpretive dance at First Presbyterian." Russ Kinney saw it in the paper and called to ask why I was dancing for presbyterians.)
I also remember the incredible feeling of grace as I listened to "The Anchor Holds" sung at Virginia Wenig's funeral several years ago. The lady singing had recently lost her young missionary husband to cancer and she prefaced the song with "I have sung this song many times while standing on the shore to encourage others out in the boat...but lately I have sung this song from within the boat itself and I still find that the anchor holds." Beautiful!
With all that said, I found it interesting to find so much discussion of what place Ray's music should hold in the church now that he has left his wife of 30 years and come out as "a normal gay man." http://washblade.com/2008/9-12/arts/feature/13258.cfm?CFID=17404355&CFTOKEN=75650803
I remember this same discussion when I was at Central Bible College in 1988 when the news of the Jimmy Swaggart debacle hit the airwaves. "Should we play Jimmy's songs on the radio? Has everything that he has ever done now count for nothing?" These are the questions some Christians are asking now about Ray Boltz.
Here's my humble opinion: Truth is Truth and it is not dependent on the lifestyle of the person singing. A song that had a positive truth value 10 years ago still has that same truth value today regardless of who is singing it. If we were to throw out everything that has been written or sung by someone who has later confessed to sin...well, let's throw out half the hymnal, most of our sermons, and certainly the books of Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Solomon...there's no real biblical proof that Solomon ever did repent and he pulled some REAL lulu's...(passing his sons through the fire, etc.)
Now all that said, I am one who prefers that the lifestyle of the person singing matches up with what they are singing about. For example, everyone who knows me knows that I LOVE country music. This morning bringing the kids to school I had in a CD of Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again." A great song for Willie to sing! But, for some reason, I usually press skip when he sings "Amazing Grace." Now I love the song Amazing Grace and I like Willie Nelson but for Amazing Grace to carry meaning for me it helps to know that the person singing it would truly testify to living a life that was "lost but now is found." I don't know that Willie has reached that point in his long life and therefore, the song is just a "good classic gospel song" rather than a testimony of what he has experienced in his own life.
SO...what about Ray Boltz? I'll keep his CD's and still play them and probably still use his songs. They are good songs...but it will be with a tinge of sadness for him and for others like him who feel that the only way to be "themselves" is to pretend that everything is OK when it truly isn't...which it what he says he has been doing for the last 30 years.
What are your thoughts?
Let's pray for each other...we're all in this together!
I also remember the incredible feeling of grace as I listened to "The Anchor Holds" sung at Virginia Wenig's funeral several years ago. The lady singing had recently lost her young missionary husband to cancer and she prefaced the song with "I have sung this song many times while standing on the shore to encourage others out in the boat...but lately I have sung this song from within the boat itself and I still find that the anchor holds." Beautiful!
With all that said, I found it interesting to find so much discussion of what place Ray's music should hold in the church now that he has left his wife of 30 years and come out as "a normal gay man." http://washblade.com/2008/9-12/arts/feature/13258.cfm?CFID=17404355&CFTOKEN=75650803
I remember this same discussion when I was at Central Bible College in 1988 when the news of the Jimmy Swaggart debacle hit the airwaves. "Should we play Jimmy's songs on the radio? Has everything that he has ever done now count for nothing?" These are the questions some Christians are asking now about Ray Boltz.
Here's my humble opinion: Truth is Truth and it is not dependent on the lifestyle of the person singing. A song that had a positive truth value 10 years ago still has that same truth value today regardless of who is singing it. If we were to throw out everything that has been written or sung by someone who has later confessed to sin...well, let's throw out half the hymnal, most of our sermons, and certainly the books of Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Solomon...there's no real biblical proof that Solomon ever did repent and he pulled some REAL lulu's...(passing his sons through the fire, etc.)
Now all that said, I am one who prefers that the lifestyle of the person singing matches up with what they are singing about. For example, everyone who knows me knows that I LOVE country music. This morning bringing the kids to school I had in a CD of Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again." A great song for Willie to sing! But, for some reason, I usually press skip when he sings "Amazing Grace." Now I love the song Amazing Grace and I like Willie Nelson but for Amazing Grace to carry meaning for me it helps to know that the person singing it would truly testify to living a life that was "lost but now is found." I don't know that Willie has reached that point in his long life and therefore, the song is just a "good classic gospel song" rather than a testimony of what he has experienced in his own life.
SO...what about Ray Boltz? I'll keep his CD's and still play them and probably still use his songs. They are good songs...but it will be with a tinge of sadness for him and for others like him who feel that the only way to be "themselves" is to pretend that everything is OK when it truly isn't...which it what he says he has been doing for the last 30 years.
What are your thoughts?
Let's pray for each other...we're all in this together!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
first blog
Well...here goes. I've been meaning to do this for some time (start a blog, that is) but just haven't done it because I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep up with it!
Today has been a rather "blah" day. Just not feeling very good at all. Little V. has been sick and I think passed it on to me. Speaking of V. - he met his adoptive family last Sunday and things seemed to go well. They are willing to take his older sister (she is 5) and seem like a good match. I'm trusting the Lord that this will go well for them. He is so young (15 mos) and needs to be with a "forever family" as soon as possible. There are so many things about foster care that can be difficult!
C. is off to a volleyball game and I am fixing to take E. to Driver's Ed. I will be SO GLAD when I have another driver in the family...not looking forward to the cost but I am looking forward to the help. G. is just hanging around being herself. That's a good thing to be. S. is picking up supper since I feel like a 135 pound cement block.
My plans for this blog are to sometimes be serious, sometimes just journal, and sometimes just random writing. I thought about doing a blog for the church website but I think to start out I will just type my thoughts without having to feel like there is any point to be made. HA HA.
Thanks for listening...we're all in this together!
Today has been a rather "blah" day. Just not feeling very good at all. Little V. has been sick and I think passed it on to me. Speaking of V. - he met his adoptive family last Sunday and things seemed to go well. They are willing to take his older sister (she is 5) and seem like a good match. I'm trusting the Lord that this will go well for them. He is so young (15 mos) and needs to be with a "forever family" as soon as possible. There are so many things about foster care that can be difficult!
C. is off to a volleyball game and I am fixing to take E. to Driver's Ed. I will be SO GLAD when I have another driver in the family...not looking forward to the cost but I am looking forward to the help. G. is just hanging around being herself. That's a good thing to be. S. is picking up supper since I feel like a 135 pound cement block.
My plans for this blog are to sometimes be serious, sometimes just journal, and sometimes just random writing. I thought about doing a blog for the church website but I think to start out I will just type my thoughts without having to feel like there is any point to be made. HA HA.
Thanks for listening...we're all in this together!
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