Facebook Flirting: Why I'm in Favor of It

Recently I did a series of status updates on my Facebook entitled “Countdown to Valentine’s Day: Things I Love about My Husband.” Each day I posted something that I appreciate about Shawn and shared it with my friends on the site.

Early into the “countdown” one of the young girls that I meet with for mentoring mentioned to me that it was a little creepy to see married people flirting with each other. She said that it seemed normal to see her single friends posting flirty, or even downright suggestive, comments to each other but, somehow, it seemed wrong for married people. After all, once you’re married isn’t all of that kind of nonsense supposed to stop? You need to get on to the serious business of life – like jobs, mortgages, children, and in-law arguments. If marriage were any fun, “Sex and the City” would not have been about single people, right?

So, here’s my thoughts on “The Top Five Reasons I Flirt (with my husband) on Facebook.”

5. It is a protection for the purity of my marriage. Facebook has come under a lot of fire (and rightfully so) as being a tool for adulterous affairs. The last three court cases I attended regarding family issues included evidence presented from facebook posts. Because of the inherent dangers in this social media site I feel that it is important that I make it clear to those I communicate with that I am a married woman…and a happily married one, at that. Speaking positively about and to my husband, publicly, is one way to make sure there is a “Not Available’ sign on my wall.

4. I want my children to see that their family is secure because their parents are secure. Too many children grow up under the consistent fear that the foundation of their home – their parent’s marriage – is hanging by a tenuous thread. Shawn and I have tried to make sure that they see a healthy and playful interaction between their parents so that they can bypass the all too common anxiety of the divorce culture and can go freely about the business of simply growing up. Besides, I want my kids to know what a good marriage looks like so they can avoid a bad one. When my girls marry I want them to know how to treat a man because of what they saw at home.

3. I want to leave the next generation with the message that marriage is a GOOD thing. We are raising kids in a culture that has caused so many to discount marriage altogether. What many have seen of marriage has caused them to want to avoid it rather than anticipate it. Television, movies, and music all make romance seem so steamy and exciting – for singles. But married people? They argue, cheat on each other, are usually sexually frustrated….and downright boring. We send them a message that says marriage is NOT worth waiting for…single people have all the fun. That’s a dangerous message and I want my marriage to show that two people can marry, have children, jobs, mortgages, and two decades of sleeping with the same person and still love it!

2. I want my church congregation to know that their pastors have a healthy marriage. Far too many churches have been devastated by pastoral marital failures and when one pastor fails it makes congregants wonder if all is well in their own church parsonage. Publicly enjoying my marriage can help to quench that fear, and it models to couples in our church the value of the sanctity of marriage. It also reminds our church friends that we are just a regular man and woman on this journey of life along with them. We really don’t live in a monastery; we can identify with all of the joys and struggles that every couple goes through.

And the number one reason I flirt with my husband….

1. My husband likes it. As women we must remember that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach; it is through his ego. Men love to hear that they are needed, respected, valued, and desirable...and they like it when their woman says publicly “I’m proud of my man.” I don’t want one of those marriages where you just co-exist until you die. I want to enjoy my man…and I want him to enjoy me.

So there you have it, my dear young friend. In a world with a 50% divorce rate, and public figures from Hollywood to Washington, DC publicly scandalizing lifelong monogamous commitment, one of my goals is to show your generation that marriage really is still not only doable but enjoyable.

Letter to My Son on His 20th Birthday

Dear Son,

Today is your 20th birthday. Never would I have imagined, when you were a toddler, that for your 20th birthday you would request baby wipes, socks, and beef jerky for your gift. Birthdays on the battlefield must be different than we knew them here at home. I don't know if there is a cake in your MRE or if anyone will sing in your honor but know that we are thinking of you at home and will be celebrating you...even if you are not here.

Over the past several years you and I have often communicated through shared literature. For your birthday this year, I wanted to pass on some thoughts from the pen of the Bard of Avon (Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 3) with some of my own thoughts grafted in with his. There is nothing new here...nothing you have not heard from me for many years...but, on your birthday, I wanted to share with you once again some life lessons from literature.

The setting, as you know, is the departure of Laertes for education in Paris. His father, Polonius, gives him advice on living and learning in this collection of proverbs.

Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for. There, my blessing with thee.
And these few precepts in thy memory

(This is one of the hard parts of parenting, son...encouraging our children to leave us and seek their own fortune. Polonius looks at his son and says "Are you still here? For shame!" When the wind is in your sail you must learn this: The opportunity of a lifetime must be taken during the lifetime of that opportunity. It is to our shame if our ship is ready to sail and we are not ready to sail with it. The wise parent recognizes this and gives their blessings...and a few precepts to remember along the way. )

See thou character.

(It is among your main responsibilities, son, to see to your own character. This is not the job of others. This discipline belongs to you alone. In all of your learning and growing and gaining and seeking do not neglect the wisdom of self-discipline in building your character. Reputation is what others think of you; character shows what you think of yourself. Remember that the choices you make today you will have to sleep with tonight...and must accept the positive or negative consequences of tomorrow.

Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.

(Not every thought we think needs to be spoken and not every thought needs to be acted upon. When the mind is thinking it is talking to itself. Others do not always need to join the conversation. Let your words be few and your actions be well thought out.)

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade.

(Make it a habit to be friendly to all, son, but never let your desire for friendship bring down your character. Do not spend a lot of money trying to impress each new person to come along. Know the difference between friends and acquaintances. Lasting friendships in life are few and because of their rarity are all the more valuable. Those friendships that have been tested and found true will be an anchor for you when you feel adrift...do all you can to nurture those friendships with bonds of steel.)

Beware of entrance to a quarrel; but being in,
bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.

(Be slow to get into a quarrel but once you are in it see it through to the end and fight like a man in such a way that others will know that you are a man to be contended with.)

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.

(Do more listening than talking...and when others come to you with criticism, take it with grace, evaluate it, learn from it and make course corrections when needed. But, as for you, do not be one that is quick to criticize others. Let your judgment be reserved for the important things in life and don't be one of those who goes about annoying everyone by trying to correct them.

Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous, chief in that.

(Your choice of attire says much about you. Dress well but don't be ostentatious. Learn to be moderate and to dress for the occasion. It is true that God looks on the heart of a man but others around him will base much of their evaluation on his outward presentation. Dress in a manner commensurate with the man you seek to be. )

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

(Learn to manage your money well, son. Debt is the bane of existence for so many young men and women at your stage in life...and even later. Do not spend more than you earn. Keep this in mind should you ever want to make a loan to a friend: Oftentimes, the money cannot be repaid and then you lose both the money, and likely, the friend. This is true for your own borrowing, as well. Better yet, learn to be a saver and a planner. Anticipate your needs and save accordingly. Learn to anticipate the 'surprises' in life. Keep enough in reserve so that life's suprises do not lead you into debt. Ignoring this common sense advice is the reason our country is in so much economic danger today.)

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

(Son, for twenty years you have listened to your father and to your mother and to the other authorities in your life but, remember this, YOU must choose the direction of your life, your calling, your mission. God has designed you for a purpose. When you are true to that purpose you will find and fulfill your greatest destiny and will be truly the man that God intended you to be. When you are aware of your own value, knowing that you bear the stamp of originality from the Master Craftsman, there will be no fear that your character and integrity would view any of His creations as less than that same ideal.)

Farewell. My blessing season this in thee!

(Vale, fili mi. Benedictio patris et matris tuae et docebit vos facere per annos. Amo te.)

Is Alzheimers Really a Valid Excuse for Divorce?

I was floored this morning to read this article on the editorial page of Christianity Today: "Pat Robertson Says Divorce Okay if Spouse Has Alzheimers."

I agree that Alzheimers is one of the most difficult of diseases. It is a diagnosis that is, perhaps, even harder on the family than it is on the patient. One friend recently shared with me, "We've always dreamed of these years in our lives when we would just sit on the porch together and talk about the memories of the kids and our lives together. Now we do sit on the porch together...but only one of us has the memories. It's a lonely feeling. There is no one to share the memories with."

Heartbreaking? Absolutely! I have often wondered how I would respond if something happened to my husband, Shawn, and he was no longer able to be the man I married. A car accident could leave him a paraplegic in a moment. A disease could ravage his body. Not only would I be without the "man I married" but I would have the added responsibilities of taking care of him day in and day out with very little promise, if any, of him being able to meet my needs in return. How would I react? Could I do it? How would I handle the loneliness? Would I resent the time, energy, and effort to care for him? Would I become bitter because I was "missing out on life" by taking care of someone who would never be able to do one thing for me? Tough questions about my commitment and my very character.

This gets me thinking...as a Christian (someone who lives under the Lordship of Christ) when I came to Jesus he looked directly at me through his Word and said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." What does it look like to live that out in relation to these questions above?

We tend to think about "taking up our cross" and "denying ourselves" as one big spiritual sacrifice that we make, then we're done with...like giving our car to a needy family or running into a burning building to rescue a child.

But, in reality, denying ourselves and taking up our cross is something that we do every day. It is a thousand little sacrifices, a lifetime of unnoticed acts, which cumulatively become huge. It's a man who loves his paralyzed wife for forty years by saying no to his sexual desires daily and dumping her bag of urine three times a day because he loves her as Christ loves the Church. It is a woman who never gets a full nights sleep because she gets up six times a night to reassure a frightened husband that he is alright - a husband who hasn't recognized her for years and hasn't spoken a kind word to her in months due to the loss of his mental faculties.

We have somewhere gotten the idea that the goal of marriage is our own personal fulfillment and when marriage no longer gives us personal satisfaction it is okay to abandon our vows of "better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health."

Think with me for just a minute....what if God's design for marriage was less about meeting my needs and more about being a reflection of His relationship with humankind? What if, as Paul said, the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the Church? What if Jesus loved the Church in the way that Mr. Robertson espouses in this article...abandoning us when we no longer fulfill His needs? That sounds unthinkable....and yet this is played out in our Christian homes far too often.

Taking up our cross daily and denying ourselves is not just about the person who dies in the coliseum in one triumphant hour torn apart by lions because he refused to deny Christ. It is about the daily choices I make in each part of my life...including my marriage. "Lord, please strengthen and empower me to be just that kind of person. I can't do it on my own."

On a side note - The Bible also talks to us about "bearing one anothers burdens." Mr. Robertson does make a very important point about the need for companionship. The frustration that I feel at his statement should also prompt me to offer true friendship and regular fellowship to those spouses who have, for all intents and purposes, 'lost' their spouse in this way. Their road is a lonely and often a long one - let's make sure that they have companionship of another kind so their burden is not too much to bear by themselves.

My Prayer Tonight As I Embark On a New Ministry Endeavor

Lord, I desperately need You. Your words "without Me you can do nothing" ring in my heart, soul, and spirit in this moment.

When I am discouraged in my ministry and full of doubts of myself, please anchor me to the rock of Your eternal election and remind me of Your words, "My gifts and callings are without repentance." If I can just be ever mindful that my calling comes from You alone and it is You before whom I will stand and give account then my heart will be encouraged and I shall have hope...for I have known Your grace and would willingly throw myself at Your feet, even in judgment, for You are Just and Merciful. I am accountable to You, Lord. Give me grace to stand transparent before You as a workman that does not need to be ashamed.

Keep my eyes off of man and focused intently on You.

Lord, keep me from thinking of myself or my work too highly. I know that in myself I am nothing but sin and weakness. In me no good thing dwells and my best works are but filthy rags. Humble me before You and keep me humble before others. Keep me ever sensible of my sinnership...and mindful of Your righteousness. Keep, also, those around me mindful that I am but human and, as such, will have the failings and needs common to humanity.

When the Dagon of pride rises up within me, break it before the Ark of Your Presence. Help me to live, walk, and emanate that Presence in the things I say, think, and do. May my confidence be God-confidence and not self-confidence.

Let grace be my experience and my cry. I am such a poor, weak creature when Faith is not in exercise; I am like an eagle with clipped wings who cannot soar to the heights for which it was designed. Let Your grace and mercy build my Faith and lift me up above the shadowlands to the heights for which I am created.

Grant to me to rest on Your power and faithfulness and to know that there are causes worthy of my own small power and faithfulness. Those causes are to bring glory and pleasure to You and to do good to the souls and bodies of those you have placed around me. Teach me how to live in that place where Scripture and culture intersect and to understand the times in which I live and to have wisdom to transform knowledge into godly action.

Lord, You know Your people by name, and YOU will at YOUR appointed season lead them out of a natural state to a gracious sanctified state at YOUR calling. Help me not to rush ahead of You or lag behind You but to keep gently in step with Your Spirit. To see YOUR people at the place that YOU have ordained for them is the object of my desire and the motivation of my ministry.

Lord, at this moment in time, this task before me is my ministry, my life, my prayer, my purpose.

Grant me grace that I shall not fail You.

Louis Armstrong's "It's A Wonderful World" and the Momentous Year of 1968

One of my sweet young friends got me to thinking today when she posted this facebook status: "And I think to myself what a wonderful world" yeah sure, maybe for you Louis Armstrong... but that was in 1968... wonder if you would say the same now days?"

That date "1968" stood out in mind for a number of reasons and it got me researching...what WAS Louis Armstrong seeing in the world around him when he released the lyrics to "It's a Wonderful World"?

Well, for starters, if he was listening to his radio or watching TV he would have heard the following news stories...all within that momentous year:

January 31, 1968: Televised coverage of the Tet Offensive in Vietnam begins to shift opinion and anti-war & anti-military protests take on new passion.

Feb 8, 1968: Police fire into a crowd protesting the segregation of a bowling alley in SC. 3 killed, 27 injured.

March 8, 1968: 15,000 students in Los Angeles stage the Chicano Blowouts - the largest high school protest in history.

March 16, 1968: US Troops kill 500 unarmed Vietnamese civilians in My Lai prompting world wide outrage at America and its military.

March 19, 1968: Students shut down Howard University in mass protest.

April 4, 1968: James Earl Ray assassinates MLK, Jr in Memphis.

April 6, 1968: Several shot dead in a shootout between Oakland police and the Black Panthers.

April 23, 1968: Columbia University shuts down and more than 700 students arrested.

June 5, 1968: Sirhan B. Sirhan shoots Presidential candidate and US Senator, Bobby Kennedy.

August 20, 1968: Soviet Union invades Czechoslovakia following months of street demonstrations about democracy. Fears of Cold War and Soviet aggression are renewed.

August 26, 1968: Anti-war protesters hold a rioting spree at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago. The "Chicago 7" arrested.

October 16, 1968: American athletes and and world record holders, Tommie Smith and John Carlos raise the symbol of the Black Panthers in protest during the playing of the Star Spangled Banner at the World Olympics and are expelled from the Olympic community.

December 23, 1968: North Koreans finally release 82 crew members of the USS Pueblo after 11 months of accusations of spying.

December 25, 1968: President Johnson approves airlift of aid to Nigeria where almost 1 million Nigerians have died due to starvation.

Sooo...what was Armstrong seeing in 1968? Fear, starvation, dissension, prejudice, murder, war, mayhem, protests, segregation...and yet he was still able to look around him and see beauty in the world.

Just a couple things we can learn from this: 1. The more things change the more they stay the same. 2. The "good old days" had their share of bad because we live in a fallen world and 3. We will usually see the things we are looking for.

So, for today, regardless of what the news reports are, remember those words sung by a black man born in the south at the height of the Jim Crow laws, a grandson of slaves and abandoned by his father.... and sing along with Louis Armstrong as YOU look for the beauty in the world around you.

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

A Letter to My Soldier Son on His First Veteran's Day

Dear Son,

Today, November 11, 2010, is your first Veteran's Day as a soldier in the United States Army.

I have a great admiration for both our veterans and active duty soldiers. When I see a soldier in a public place, if appropriate, I tell him how much I appreciate his service to our country. I think this embarrasses some of them but I can tell that it also makes them proud. This will happen to you, son, and when it does accept the gratefulness of your fellow countrymen with dignity and humility but never put off their gratefulness as if it were no big deal. It is a big deal.

I was thinking this morning about you and I thought of Isaiah 6:8. You remember the context: Isaiah was in the temple and in a vision he heard the Lord say, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" And he replied, "Here I am! Send me!"

This brought to mind the long line of American soldiers throughout history who have heard the call of duty and responded.

When the tyranny of the British Crown became unbearable for the colonists in 1775, a fledging nation appealed to its citizens, "Whom shall I send?" Thousands of untrained patriot farmers, smiths, and merchants answered, "Here I am! Send me!"

In 1812, when the British were capturing American citizens and forcing them to serve on their warships, again the call went out "Who will go for us?" And the American soldier said, "Here I am! Send me!"

When the annexation of Texas came under question, President Polk sent a call out to the American people, "Whom shall I send?" Men from all over the east trekked their way west with the response, "Here I am! Send me!"

In those dark days in the mid-1800's when brother fought brother, and the call came from the north and from the south, "Who will go for us?", it was answered by old men, young men, black men and white men who stepped forward to fight for a cause they believed in, answering, "Here I am! Send me!"

After the sinking of the Maine in 1898 and American involvement in a war with Spain, men like one of your heroes, Teddy Roosevelt, needed a volunteer band of infantry and cavalrymen. Once again the American soldier said, "Here I am! Send me!"

In World War I and World War II, a call came from across the ocean for men to fight in The Great Wars...wars they hoped would end all wars. Uncle Sam told thousands of young men, "I want you to go for us." The American solider responded valiantly and bravely said, "Here I am. Send me!"

During the Korean and Vietnam Wars, thousands of American men and women received the call from their country to fight in a war that they didn't understand and that, to many of them, didn't seem right. Yet they did their duty: "Here I am. Send me."

Now we are engaged in a war that has no foreseeable end in a place that seems forsaken by God and embroiled in centuries long disputes that make no sense to the American mind. And yet the call still goes on..."Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?"

Throughout our history, most of our soldiers have been volunteers and today in 2010 every single one of our soldiers has joined the military by choice. The American soldier, time and time again, has said, "Here I am. Send me."

You, my dear son, are a member of that elite group who has heard the call of your country and responded with those affirmative words. You have stood and publicly stated, ""I, Erik Oberg, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."

And you did it voluntarily. "Here I am! Send me!"

And you do not do it alone. Your father, your little sisters, and I sleep safely tonight in a free country because millions of other fathers, mothers, sisters, husbands, wives, brothers, sons and daughters - some of America's finest - stand ready to be deployed to any trouble spot in the world. You are privileged to walk among the future heroes of this land. They are not rock stars or movie actors who play at being heroes. Our soldiers - both men and women - are the real thing. They have responded to the call with "Here I am! Send me!"

My beloved son, in whom I am well pleased...I am proud that you stand among them.

Happy Veteran's Day! Know that your mama never ceases to love and pray for you.

Ad virtutem per sapientiam,
Mom

A Recent Entry from My Journal: Struggling with Sin

In the words of a Gaither song, "God has blessed me...and the doubts have been few."

There has always been a reason to believe...and to obey.

But, over the past year, I have found myself tempted to flagrantly run away from His will. I have deeply desired a short reprieve from walking on a hard path that He has chosen for me. I have struggled with a battle to give in to temptation to meet my needs in ways outside of what He has clearly revealed to be His will for my life. I have asked Him "Why?" "Why am I struggling with this issue so intently? Why am I so discontent with Your provision?"

God's commands are spiritual - but I'm sure not. I am so often very carnal. I've lived so long in a sinful world that it has become a part of who I am. I was born to it.

I want to follow God and yet I find myself desiring and doing things that I despise. The problem is not that I do not know God's will for this situation. The problem is that I do not really want to do it. I desire God's will but not all the time. When I decide to do good...I don't always follow through on it. When I decide not to do bad...I often find myself doing it anyway. The power of sin within me continues to sabotage my best intentions and I find, once again, that I obviously need help. I don't have what it takes.

I truly delight in God's commands but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. There is a part of me that covertly rebels - and then, when I let my guard down, those desires take charge. In the words of that great country philosopher, Charlie Daniels, "When I have a choice between good and bad I pick bad two out of three."

"I know it's wrong...but I want it." Sigh...what to do?

The reality is that I cannot save myself from this. I cannot sanctify myself any more than I could justify myself. Just as I could not redeem myself from sin I find that I cannot keep myself from sin. I thank God that it is Jesus Christ who can and does save me. It is His righteousness and not my filthy rags of works that I depend on....and His incredible mercy and grace that remembers that I am just dust.

And, if I may be so bold, I think that my Father is pleased that even when I am so pulled by the influence of sin I still crawl back to Him and ask for His help even though He knows that I really DON'T WANT to do things His way. He is still pleased that I have crawled to Him even if it is just to beg for help to be willing to be made willing to obey.

He loves me and I can come to Him. He knows that even though I no longer desire His will in this I still intend to do it. He wants me to learn to walk with Him; and if only the will to walk is there then, perhaps, He is pleased with me even when I stumble.

The key is not in my abundance of desire for God's will but in my steadfast decision to do it anyway.

There is something in me that continues to hold on to Him even when it seems that all I am holding onto is the sheer will to continue....when the desire is gone and nothing holds me here except commitment to follow His path. He still finds pleasure in me even when I find myself functioning, not on desire, but on discipline.

You can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
- Kipling

But, I also believe that God is a Rewarder of those who seek Him...and I continue to wait patiently to see that full revelation of His reward...whether it is here on earth or at the moment when I hope to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant."